


For a Second I Lost Myself

by Phan_of_Shipping



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Constangreen - Freeform, Episode Tag, Episode: s04e03 Dancing Queen, M/M, some brief fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 21:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16542254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phan_of_Shipping/pseuds/Phan_of_Shipping
Summary: Gary knew what Constantine was like, but that didn't make John dropping him any easier - especially when Gary knew that John didn't really want to leave him.If he knew that then why did it hurt so much?





	For a Second I Lost Myself

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the clip of Gary and Nate talking about their heartbreak, I just had to write something because I am in love with this ship right now! I just hope this isn't the end of Constangreen in Legends!
> 
> Title is taken from the song "Hands Tied" by Billy Lockett

Gary always woke up first.

Perhaps it was due to being used to waking up at all hours for urgent Time Bureau business. 

Or perhaps it was because he was always worried that John would leave without saying a word - or leave and say this was the final time and Gary wouldn’t be awake to see him go.

The sheets were draped lazily over them, their were legs tangled together and John's chin was nestled in Gary's neck. Gary didn't want to move but he couldn't help but want to turn to look at the man laying beside him.  
Constantine sighed sleepily, wrapping his arm around Gary’s waist, but he didn't wake up. His hair was messy, disheveled and flattened across his forehead. Gary reached out and gently moved a few strands out if John's eyes. This feather touch seemed enough for Constantine to wake this time - he seemed to sink into Gary's touch, resting his head there for a while. 

"Morning." Whispered Gary, a routine he'd found himself familiar in recent weeks. 

John didn't reply but placed a long- arguably _desperate -_ kiss on Gary's lips. Gary chuckled softly against John's lips causing John to pull back.

"What's so funny?" Asked Constantine with a soft smile.

"Sometimes I just forget that actual John Constantine is in bed with me and that he wants to kiss me." Admitted Gary with a shy smile.

A conflicted look flickered across John's face that would have gone amiss to the untrained eye - or a lovestruck one.

 

"I really like you."  
"I can't carry on with this."

 

An enveloping silence rapidly flooded the room. Gary felt his heart rate quicken, the sense of panic almost consuming.

"What did I do?" Gary asked, confusion consuming his voice.

"Nothing, love. Absolutely nothing at all," Replied John with a pained sigh, "It's me."

"It's not you it's me?" Filled in Gary with dejection. He felt the need to pull the covers over him, suddenly feeling more exposed, that maybe he had misread all the signals.

John picked up on this, "Hey, Gary, it's not like that," and placed a hand on Gary's shoulder. 

Gary turned his head back to stare at John, "Then what is it? I suppose I can get quite annoying, maybe I shouldn't feel so surprised."

John moved his hands to Gary's cheeks, "Hey no, don't say that about yourself - they're reasons why I Io -" John trailed off. 

 

_  
_

__

_I’m already right where you want me: yeah you got me on a landslide. But I don't feel like anything you said, I'm watching the end._

 

"You're too good Gary. You're too good and the longer you spend with me, the sooner you'll just get hurt and I can't watch, I won’t let, that happen." Said Constantine.

"What if I want to spend more time with you? Don't I get a say in this?" Responded Gary with some defiance. 

"You won't want to spend more when you know me more." Warned Constantine, his cold, brooding tone sinking in to his previously soft tone. 

"Well how do I know that when you won't let me?" Questioned Gary, looking attentively to John.

“You _can’t_ Gary!” Shouted Constantine, the anger causing Gary to shrink back but the fury Constantine felt was aimed at his sorry excuse for a life. John pressed a hand against his forehead and got up from the bed, the finality of that movement almost physically pained Gary. John picked up his boxers and trousers that had been discarded on the floor of Gary's bedroom and stiffly put them on. Gary did the same, a million thoughts whirring around his head.

 

_  
_

_But wait, wait a minute, I think I lost my heart under the ground._

 

"Why does it have to be like this?" Asked Gary after unbearable moments of silence. 

"It's my curse. I'm better off alone and then no one gets hurt." Responded Constantine in a tired tone, like he’d practiced it many times before, "If my life wasn't this damned then I would love to spend all morning in bed with you, and do all that domestic stuff I see other couples do and I _want_ to do it all with you but I just _can't."_

"Oh." Was the only response Gary could have find himself with.

"It's the balance of good and evil. And with me, you're way off balance." Constantine concluded, picking up his shirt and buttoning it.

John went through the doorway, down the hallway to the door, lifting his coat and tie from the sofa. His legs were carrying him forcibly because all John wanted to do was turn back around.

"Then why did you take so long to tell me?" Murmured Gary, grabbing onto John's shoulder, anchoring him.

John turned back, Gary's hand slipping down John's arm to his hand.

"Because you made the demons in my head go away. And I'd forgotten what that felt like. That was a feeling I wanted to last. But then I remembered who I was, and what would happen to some as good as you if I stayed any longer." 

John stepped forward silently, pressing a silent but loving kiss on Gary's lips, Gary closed his eyes and tried to remember every detail.  
His hand untangled with Gary's, "I'm sorry, love, truly." John said and Gary stayed there with his eyes shut, hearing the door open and then shut. 

 

_  
_

_And I have days when I know I can't climb but I'll survive. 'Cause you taught me that I fall in love far too easily._

 

Gary thought about taking the day off but he realised that would only raise questions. He couldn't deal with any questions because he had no answers. Plus, he knew he'd be working with Nate and perhaps that would provide a good distraction.

That was until Nate started asking questions. You'd think that in 768,000 B.C. there wouldn't be time for questions.

Perhaps Gary shouldn't have mentioned that he was off on costumes right now but he couldn't really help himself. He knew it was too dangerous for him to keep his thoughts locked away.

"What's going on with you two anyway?" Asked Nate.

The fresh wound resurfaced at the fact that Nate thought of them as "you two."

Gary tried to hide the disappointment from his voice, "Well he dropped me. Which sucks."

"Dropped" felt the appropriate word since they went from being together to very much _not_ in what felt like a matter of moments.

Gary tried focusing the conversation back on Nate and Amaya but the bitterness he felt found it's way back. 

"Yeah... Constantine let me down easy too," He reflected, "Said it was about the balance of good and evil." 

His promises to Nate felt like some false mantras he was telling himself but the fact they actually applied to him - when they didn't 24 hours ago - was a reality he'd rather have forgotten about.

 

_  
_

_And I hope that one day you'll see me and regret, when you left. I hope you’ll see me and regret, when you left._

 

Gary unlocked his apartment door to be greeted by silence. 

No wisecrack, no flirtatious remark, no kiss. 

Just him. By himself. That feeling he had always had before Constantine became part of his life. 

Gary poured himself a glass of whiskey that he had never had before; he had bought it for John to drink since they were spending so much time together.

He took a long swig of the strong liqueur, the irony not lost on him.

_  
_

_But wait, wait a minute. For a second I lost myself._

 _  
_

 _  
_

 __  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked that, it's my first Constangreen/Legends fic and I'm currently working on another, slightly longer one that's isn't (as) angsty! Those song lyrics are from the song "Hands Tied" by Billy Lockett which I was listening to and realised that it was the perfect song for them.
> 
> Apologies if there are any episode related mistakes - I'm from the UK so 4x03 doesn't air here until next Wednesday. 
> 
> Please kudos/comment, they always make my day! Also, I highly recommend listening to 'Hands Tied' because it is such an apt song!


End file.
